Optimized Ways of Eating Food that Nobody Asked For

Life is short. And your ADHD brain fully evolved to eat food in a hurry. We call this optimized eating. Some of these tips are up to preference. And some of these tips will change your experience of food. All of them are useful — but none of them were asked for.

Honey Sticks

If you are a loyal American consumer as I am, you will eat these like they are freeze pops, cutting off one end and pushing the honey up by pinching the stick. That is a foolish mistake.

Use honey sticks like beer bongs. Cut off both ends, put one in your mouth, look up and get chugging. You can squeeze out the leftover honey in the stick once gravity’s done most of the work. Just don’t get too lost in the sauce!

Eggs and Toast

Runny yolk enjoyers will find distinct pleasure with eggs in a hole. Advanced snackage technology elegantly optimizes the breakfast perennial. It is the peak form of eggs and toast.

Once you pierce the centered yolk, it evenly soaks into the surrounding bread. It gets from the plate to your mouth with minimum waste and maximum efficiency. You can even make a bit of crustless toast out of the remaining bit of bread!

Corn Dogs

Corn dogs were a childhood favorite of mine, and I decided to pick some up after 5 or so years without them. I like to dip my corn dogs in a cup of ketchup. Once you eat down to the wooden stick, however, it’s hard to dip the corn dog in the cup. The stick gets in the way of my dipping 😢.

But there is an answer. You place the entirety of the remaining corn dog into your mouth and bite it at the base, separating the corn dog from the stick. You can now pull the corn dog forward with your teeth and dip it freely.

The downsides are that it’s awkward, uncomfortable, and invites homoerotic comments. The upside is that, at the end of the day, man has truly conquered nature.

Soggy Burgers

Some burgers have a lot of moisture. Sometimes you made a cooking mistake. Other times you’re in a hostage situation and you don’t want to look rude. Is the burger pictured even capable of being eaten as is?

Optimized eating means you eat this burger upside down. The thicker bun below absorbs the moisture released as you bite into the burger. Imagine eating it the other way, and gripping a soggy piece of bread with your thumb up to the last bite!

Chew Your Food More

Imagine if our poopy was the size and hardness of a bowling ball. We couldn’t flush it down the toilet could we? Food needs to become soft at some point, so it’s important to prepare it for the journey ahead. Chewing your food prevents all sorts of negative side effects. Now THAT’S optimized eating!

In conclusion, we are all serial masticators. Some of us take our mastication very seriously, some of us seriously do not care. It’s important to know that even if you’re a high ELO food chewer, you can still choke on a pop tart in the Sahara Desert and end up in a body bag. Life is cruel that way. Chew responsibly.

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